Another beautiful day has passed by and it’s 2:20 a.m. in the morning. To fix my sleep cycle and put an end to my routine of waking up in the afternoon, I tried not sleeping the whole night yesterday and gave up at around 10 a.m. and dozed off for 6 hours. I again woke up with a hangover like a headache and there was the same feeling of uneasiness which I dread all the time. It feels like I’m living my life in constant fear of feeling depressed and restless. In fact, I am so scared of it that even the thought of it gives me the shits. It’s the worst feeling in the world.
I love the moments when I feel normal just like I am right now and I am surprised I can actually write since in the day I couldn’t even think or talk in a normal way. And yeah my palms and feet are sweaty again. I wish I could completely understand what’s happening with me because sometimes I feel the medications are working but sometimes it becomes totally unbearable for me and I’m totally dumbfounded. Time is passing by so fast, days are just flying but I wish I could perceive the days and nights and every single moment like a normal person. Most of my experiences are clouded by this condition and no thought is conceived in my brain without crossing the parameters of depression.
I have this fear inside of me too that the medications might be making my condition worse or what if my real condition hasn’t been diagnosed and all of this treatment has gone to waste, I wish things could just be normal for me.
I don’t want this feeling of regret, loss, shame etc to overshadow my experience of this life, but I try and fall, I try I fall, it keeps happening. I’m stuck in a closed loop and condemned to suffering. My medications got over tonight and now I have to go to that place again to collect my 15 day supply of drugs which help me go through this whole façade of a world.
My second semester started two months ago but I haven’t paid the fee yet so, no books or material to study from, but it’s a fucking distance learning course, idk if it will benefit me at all. I started this course with a lot of hope but ended up giving up on studies in just two months and cheated my way through the exams whose results are still pending. I wish things would get better, I really do.
My parents are highly disappointed with me, and they are correct, I am a total loser whose lazy and horny like a dog who just feeds off of others and Is good for nothing slob and a burden on this world. People my age and much younger to me have graduated and gotten jobs, they have friends and they have a partner to share a life, I feel like I’ll be alone forever and even if I do find someone, she won’t stay for long because excuse me it’s me we’re talking about here. I am screwed, man!
I was diagnosed with bipolar around two years back when I was 23 and going through a lot of emotional stress and alcohol addiction. After learning more about this disorder, I realized I’ve had these symptoms for a long time which goes back to my childhood.
Bipolar is a terrible disease which can cause long and painful periods of depression and some manic days or weeks which get you more anxious, gets your mind racing with multiple numbers of thoughts at the same time and a feeling of invincibility above any rationale.
When I first found out what was happening to me could be caused by chemical reactions taking place in my brain which I don’t have much control over, or didn’t have much control till that time, it actually made me feel a bit better since I was not completely to blame for my reckless behavior, feelings of dissociation with others no matter how close those people are to me.
Bipolar really sucks the life out of a person as it is doing to me. It’s like a battle you have to fight with yourself every day just to feel normal or at least functional. There’s always a weird feeling lingering inside of you which sticks throughout and is always at the back of your head. And those are the good times because when these unattended thoughts come out they take you to a deep state of pain and suffering and trust me, emotional pain is as bad as physical pain , maybe more because you know that you might have to live with it forever.
As I sit in my dark room at 2 a.m. in the night with my palms and feet drenched in sweat, I’m totally sleepless and being haunted by the depressing thoughts since I had a suicidal thought today as my computer broke down and it is the only thing that keeps me occupied and helps me distract from the negativity, I slid inside my blanket and started to think about how I’m going to get it fixed since I don’t have a job and I haven’t been able to get a college degree even at this age so nobody would offer me work, how I completely failed at university because of my addiction and depression, how I brought disgrace to my family ,how ashamed I am of my friends who are leading normal lives, how I squandered every opportunity I received for a better future and every single bad decision and move made by me came right into my face and I never felt like dying more than that moment ever before. I know it’s might come off as a tiny thing to ponder over suicide but these are the little things that trigger depression and take you into a downward spiral. After an hour of trying to make sense of what was actually happening to my computer, it suddenly fixed itself and the lights came on. There was a huge improvement in my mood and suddenly I got out of my room and started talking to my mom with a smile on my face and I was feeling like I was at the top of the world. I also felt motivated to go to the gym after ten days and brought some hope to me. Both the situation aren’t too severe but my brain reacted in such extreme ways in such short periods of time tells me a lot about my condition and my mental state and other people suffering this horrendous disease. Such profound flow of emotions in such short span of time explains a lot about how bipolar can make you fly and drop you down real hard and both of those feelings are not good, not even mania.
Learning I have Bipolar has taught me more about myself and how my brain reacts to certain situations and sometimes there isn’t even a trigger required, you wake up and you’re depressed. I don’t do many productive things in my daily routine but this is something I am actually feeling good about writing and it took me immense courage to share these thoughts of mine with the world in the hope that people with the same disorder and issues can know, that they are not alone and neither I am. I hope my post doesn’t offend anybody especially the people who suffer from Bipolar and their closed ones who are equally involved in the fight with their loved ones against it. Please share your experiences and ways to cope with this issue daily. I hope I am able to provide some insight into a brain haunted by the bipolar monster.
i am ishant kumar.i am 25 years old guy,living in noida and pursuing my education.Like a lot of us,i struggle with the problem of having a lot of thoughts in my head,and not being able to focus on any of them thoroughly.i am looking for people who might realte with my thoughts and opinions.i also aim to share my experiences and be able to help anyone with anything i have done or seen.